Sunday, January 22, 2012

Flipper, Why?

A friend told me she hates dolphins. “How can you hate dolphins?” I asked.

She explained it was because dolphins rape people. And laugh about it.

“I’m serious,” she said. “Google it.”

So I Googled it.

And learned that dolphin rape is most likely where mermaids come from.

She also told me my dog only loves me because I feed her.

I looked deep into the Professor’s eyes and asked if she loved me. I mean really loved me. Or if I was just a meal ticket. Professor Anne closed her eyes. I grabbed her head and petted it aggressively and said I knew the meal ticket thing wasn’t true because sometimes I forget to feed her* and she still loves me. 

Or is she simply a skilled actress? Should I not mark Michelle Williams on my Predict the Oscars ballot? Is there a write-in candidate I need to consider?

This devolved into something like the Ellen Foley part in “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” with me demanding to know if she loves me, if she’ll love me forever, if she needs me, if she’ll never leave me, etc.

The Professor promised to sleep on it and give me an answer in the morning.

Now I am suspicious. Of dolphins and of dogs.

And of love in general.

This has made working on my next book difficult.

*Just for a couple of hours. No one call the ASPCA, please.


  1. I no longer trust my dog. There, I've said it.

    And now I'm too scared to go in the ocean, and for once it's not because of sharks and jellyfish. Do you think that it's like some sort of dolphin hazing ritual? Like they invite humans over to their frat house for a few drinks, and everyone's had a bit too much to drink and it gets all out of control, and then it turns into the opening credits of a Law and Order SVU episode?

    1. From what I hear, they're less subtle than that. They drag divers into their rape caves using their prehensile penises, which can wrap around human limbs. And they laugh. Oh, how they laugh.

      I love the idea of a dolphin frat house, though. I'll bet there are some who go that route. It takes all kinds to make an ocean.

      What would be really scary is if dolphins and dogs were working together. For instance, why whenever we get near a body of water does my dog wade in and then look at me as though she's expecting me to join? Is she leading me to a dolphin rape cave?

    2. I'm going to file that in the "things I wish I didn't know" part of my brain. Sick fishy bastards!

      I don't think my dog is conspiring with dolphins though. She ate a goldfish once. Sea creatures would be wary of forming an alliance with her.