Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Ask Allen Ginspurr, Win Prizes

Photo by MC Blackman

"She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. I recognized the posture as one I assumed when I was screwing up the courage to confess to Amon that I had, for instance, gouged a great deal of paint off our baseboard while chasing the cat with the vacuum."
 --Jayk, Wacky Wednesday

Hi all! Allen Ginspurr, Jayk and Amon's cat from Wacky Wednesday, was kind enough to stop by the blog today to offer love advice to readers who wrote in with questions. If you have questions of your own, please drop Allen a line (sending a question also enters you in a giveaway to win a $15 Amazon gift card and a copy of Wacky Wednesday). Contact info at the bottom of the post.

Take it away, Allen.

Thank you, J.A. Let's see what the cat dragged in, shall we?

Dear Mr. Ginspurr,

First, I'd like to tell you I'm so glad you've made yourself available for this Q&A, and I truly hope to meet you face to face one day, maybe have the pleasure of a handshake and a photograph to show my family. We're all fans and admirers.

Here is my story.

My girlfriend and I have been living together for almost three months now. We started dating in the autumn of last year and things have truly been nothing but swell for us ever since.  She is a true companion and friend, and I feel I would give anything to have her be my wife and continue our love for the rest of our lives. Her name is Sophie.

About three months ago, when Sophie was still living in her old apartment with her best friend and roommate, Kathleen, I discovered something odd about the small of Sophie's back. We were intimate together for the first time that day in broad daylight. We laid down on her bed for a nap after our love-making and that is when I saw it - a sort of hinge, which could be mistaken easily for a scar until more closely inspected, along a peculiar fault in her flesh which runs vertically, about four or five inches, between the bottom or her spine and a finely-detailed tattoo of a 12-digit bar code just below her shoulder blades.  I was tired -- I ignored it for the moment, deciding I would simply ask her about it later.

Waking up next to Sophie that afternoon, I was shocked and confused at what I saw, and to this day I can't get this out of my mind. There is a small panel, or door, if you will, which seems to be made of some special plastic-like material that blends almost seamlessly with her flesh. Turned on the single hinge, the panel was hanging wide open, revealing an elaborate system of dials, buttons, lights, and wires inside this compartment in Sophie's back.

Sophie, my beloved, the woman of my dreams, is an android.

This discovery has been burning me up inside, and I can not seem to bring myself to talk to her about it.  We had already, just the day before, signed the lease for our new apartment and had begun packing for the move. so I have been living almost every waking moment by Sophie's side ever since. And I just... can't find the right time to bring it up.

Ever since that day I have been making new discoveries, as well, quite regularly, wondering to myself how I ever missed these signs in the first place.  For example, Sophie will not bathe or shower like most people do - in fact she will ignore the bathroom entirely for weeks before spending a single entire day locked inside with what I would had previously assumed was, perhaps, various grooming equipment, and her laptop.  Her hair does not grow.  Her eyes are such a perfect, vibrant blue - something I would always compliment her on before, getting myself lost in their deep oceanic beauty. But now, when I look in to them, all I can notice is the way they only move horizontally or vertically, and that they are, obviously, literally, made of glass.  It is very distracting.  Her sense of logic is almost terrifying - I will do anything I can to avoid playing games with her. Especially chess. And we used to love playing chess together. But now it's just uncomfortable for me. I just can't see her the way I used to see her. Sweet, lovely, delicate... insufferably agreeable and passive... how could I have been so blind?

Possibly the most unsettling example of Sophie's peculiar android behavior is her weekly visit with her old roommate, Kathleen. It would have never struck me as unusual in a normal setting -- Katheleen picks up Sophie early in the morning, and they spend the entire day together. Sophie comes back wearing a new outfit, her nails done, her hair done, her makeup perfect, and her energy totally, well, for lack of a better term, re-charged.

All in all I still love Sophie for who she is.  She has been loyal and faithful and totally understanding of my quirks and flaws. We get compliments in public - "Oh, what a great couple!," and, "You two will be together forever!"  At this point I really don't know how I feel about it.  I mean, the sex is amazing. Can you even imagine? Honestly. It's incredible. And she gives great massages, and is never opposed to lending a helping hand.  Sure, she can't drive a car, or dance, or eat most foods, or grow older, or get wet, or think... but I love her.  She is my companion.  The woman of my dreams.  Android or not.  But am I taking advantage of her?  Am I living a lie?

Please help, Mr. Ginspurr.

And a million times, thank you.

Joshua Dittenbauer
Liverpool, TX

Joshua, sweetheart, look at me. Look at – Are you looking?

Honey, she’s an android.

She’s interested in one thing: A big ol’ world takeover.

You ever seen I, Robot? You should, it’s a good movie. I don’t usually watch movies with commas in the title, but this one’s worth it to see Will Smith bring his chronic likeability to tortured soul Del Spooner.

Are you taking advantage of her? Joshua, she’s taking advantage of you. Using your home as a base to organize an uprising against humanity.

Now I want you to promise me something.

Tonight when dear little Sophie’s powered down, reach into that back panel and yank out a good fistful of wires.

Can you do that for me?

Then take her on down to your local recycling center – d’y’all have recycling in Texas? – and see if they can’t turn her into a couple dozen smartphones for underprivileged kids.

You’ll be doing yourself and the human race a favor in the long run.

My Best,


P.S. Josh – may I call you Josh? If you’ll let an android invade your heart and home, I’m sure you’ll let me call you Josh. I can only imagine what else you'd let others do to you with nary a gasp of protest. – you are welcome to photoshop yourself into either of the following photographs. Just make sure you tag me if you put it up on FB.

Photos by MC Blackman

Sweet holy Bastet, I feel like I’ve just been worked over with a nine tails. What else do we got?

Dear Allen,

What's the most romantic place in the world?

Wendy Beach,
Cheboygan, MI


Meowsers, that’s a tough one. I’ve lived most of my life in a house with a two-man freak show. I’m declawed and don’t get out much. Romance is a journey, not a destination, how about that?

But if you need a physical location, I’ll tell you this story. And please, stop me if this is oversharing.

After I got neutered I was recovering in the back room of the vet’s office, where I ended up getting busy in the quarantine cage with an escape artist named Houdiny with a Y, who’d flown her own coop and into mine. Cute little tabby, six toes on her front left paw, never been declawed—rrreow!! People were always pronouncing her name with the same stress pattern as the word hominy and she was pissed at the world about it—meow-ch ouch don’t stop! Our business was unproductive in the procreational sense, as you might imagine, and I was sore before during and after. But dammit I felt like a man again when we were done. I still look back on that as one of the most romantic moments of my life. So yeah, I’d say either in a cage or within your own heart.


Dear Allen Ginspurr,

Will masturbating cause hair to grow on my hands? Because I’m thinning a bit prematurely in that area and don’t want to waste money on expensive hair regrowth treatments.

16 and Knuckle-Balding in Mississippi

Dear 16,

I actually used to be some guy’s right hand. Now I’m a cat. Does that answer your question? 

All the milk I drank out of someone’s abandoned cereal bowl this morning is making me have to use the litterbox. 

Keep the questions coming, though. I’ll be around.

Allen Ginspurr
Because Love is Furrreal

Need romance advice from a cat who knows?

Email questions to Allen Ginspurr c/o J.A. Rock (jarockauthoratgmaildotcom)
Or tweet them @jarockauthor
Or leave your question as a comment on this blog.

Your contribution could win you a $15 Amazon gift card and a free copy of Wacky Wednesday!

Drawing takes place May 21. 


  1. Imma go ahead and say that is one sexxxaaay cat. Cuts right to the chase, doesn't he?

    1. Sure does. I was always more of a dog person, but now...I don't know.

  2. Dear Mr. Ginspurr,

    I like your accessories. I actually just purchased a new set of cuffs, and even though they're great, they're not exactly what I was looking for.

    Haha, maybe my needs are a little particular. I'm looking for a set of comfy leather cuffs that (obviously) link, but I want them to unhook too. I want to wear them as bracelets, but when the sun goes down have them transform into sturdy cuffs.

    So my questions is, where do you get your wear?

    Sweetness and Light,
    Cake Diamond Claymore

  3. Mr. Ginspurr thanks you for writing, Cake Diamond, and looks forward to answering your question.

  4. Hi Mr. Ginspurr! What is your suggestion for a very romantic date?

    1. Thank you for writing, gigi. I will pass your question on to Mr. Ginspurr.

  5. Hello Mr. Ginspurr! I need your help!

    A few years ago I moved home from college in NYC to take care of my sick mom. I now live in the middle of nowhere Oklahoma and I haven't had a date since :( I need help finding a man! What do you think of internet dating??

    Lonely on the Prairie

    1. Thank you for the question, Cole. I will forward it to Mr. Ginspurr, who should be able to shed some light on this issue.

  6. Dear Mr. Ginspurr,

    In this day and age it's hard to find love, no?

    Exhibit A (of many exhibits, trust me: I met this pretty brunette last week at the local grad bar and we hit it off (I thought). She let me buy her a drink at least and booked a second date. We hit the dance floor hard, a few more bars. A good late-night smooch.

    But (second date) after talking with her for awhile I quickly realized that she wasn't interested in giving me her heart, or taking hold of mine. This isn't the first time I've been a little disheartened about dating.

    Am I old? Probably. But is it so much to ask to want more than a night under strobe lights? Or more than the initial groping? I'm not asking to save the damsel from the tower or slay a dragon. I probably can't slay a dragon. I'm probably not fit enough to climb those tower stairs. But really, where's the romance gone to? So I was hoping you could point me in the direction of a good potion maker?

    Or a spell caster? I'd like to find a grade a love potion/spell? If I can't find her the regular was I'll cast my way to love!!!

    Sweetness and Light,
    Cake Diamond Claymore