Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Wacky Wednesday Released and Giveaway Winner Announced

All right! Wacky Wednesday is officially here. Right now it is available at Loose Id. I will put up more buy links as they become available.

To celebrate the release, Allen Ginspurr, feline love guru, is back on the blog to answer his second wave of questions. Thanks again to those who wrote in. I hope Mr. Ginspurr's advice is, um, enlightening.

You can check out Round 1 here.

Also, the winner of the Ask Allen Ginspurr Giveaway, chosen by random.org, is Lonely on the Prairie! Lonely wins a $15 Amazon gift card and an e-copy of Wacky Wednesday. Congrats, Lonely.

I'm going to hand it over to Ginspurr now. But please join me at The Romance Studio's release party this Thursday, May 24 for more celebration.

Furreal: Meowdern Romance Advice with Allen Ginspurr Round 2

Dear Mr. Ginspurr,

I like your accessories. I actually just purchased a new set of cuffs, and even though they're great, they're not exactly what I was looking for.

Haha, maybe my needs are a little particular. I'm looking for a set of comfy leather cuffs that (obviously) link, but I want them to unhook too. I want to wear them as bracelets, but when the sun goes down have them transform into sturdy cuffs.

So my questions is, where do you get your wear?

Sweetness and Light,
Cake Diamond Claymore

My sweet Cake Diamond,

It depends on what kind of money you’re willing to drop. Believe me when I say I know the pain of wanting to look dashing by day, dungeon-ready by night, yet knowing that such versatility is, well, bound to cost a front leg and a back leg.

My wardrobe was created by an out of state designer. The two humans in charge of lawn care, dishes, and drama at my house get their grownup wear at stores with names like The Chamber or Black Hole. Your name alone suggest that you are much too classy to be caught dead in a pair of cuffs you purchased from a place called Thrust in Me, so here’s what I’ll do. I’ll put you in contact with my personal designer. She only outfits cats right now, but one day during a mutual dreamshare she confessed a desire to try her skills on select number of small, lithe humans. I’ll give you her e-mail address. Mention my name. I get a free Brando cap for each referral I make. She’s a bit pricey, but could probably be purrsuaded to give you a discount. I will leave the tactics up to you.

In the meantime, may I suggest a couple of Livestrong bracelets and a piece of twine? Not elegant, but innovative—like duct tape prom dresses. I have seen it done in my very household. It is actually the thing I third most wish to un-see, after the Masons’ cat getting a bath in the front yard and The Grey.

Hit me up off list.
Hi Mr. Ginspurr! What is your suggestion for a very romantic date?

February 14th.  Sweetheart, I’m kidding. I assume you mean a setup that includes wining, dining, and possibly binding.

The best date I ever had was in a dumpster in Pittsford Village with a Scottish fold who loved bananas, but I understand dumpsters aren't really part of the human scene except among--am I saying this right?--"freegans."

For discretion, mood lighting, and a list of local channels taped right to the TV, you can’t beat the Newport News La Quinta Inn. Their indiscriminate pet policy ensures that the floor always smells like dachshund piss, and should the men who call themselves your masters but are not masters of your soul fill the ice bucket with water for you, you can guarantee you’ll get hairs from at least five different creatures on your tongue. Headboards are sturdy, breakfast is disappointing but free. WiFi is spotty.

Take your lover there for an "overnight date" or "getaway weekend," and watch that special someone's eyes light up when they see there's a TJ Maxx within walking distance.

I don't know how one human might hope to "lick that sunburn right off" another, but I have seen it attempted at the NNLQI. And now I'm thinking that might be the third thing I most wish to un-see.

If class, elegance, and limited time commitment are more your dish, might I recommend dinner at a restaurant I have seen advertised on TV—an establishment called Max & Erma’s, where the food is fresh, never frozen. What is a tortilla burger? Wouldn’t you like to know. And wouldn’t your companion.


Moving on.

Hello Mr. Ginspurr! I need your help!

A few years ago I moved home from college in NYC to take care of my sick mom. I now live in the middle of nowhere Oklahoma and I haven't had a date since :( I need help finding a man! What do you think of internet dating??

Lonely on the Prairie

Dear Lonely,

I live with two men. Please, take them both, if ye be so bold a self-saboteur. You would not believe the indignities I have suffered at their hands. Do the words Florence Eiseman bonnet mean anything to you?

I would be a fool indeed to pretend to understand the ins and outs of technology. But I will say this: Several of my friends use an internet dating site called Petfinder. They say it is the perfect place to meet lonely singles so desperate to get out of their current situations they’ll agree to anything—even a date with a cat they barely know posing as a human willing to offer them a forever home. 

I’m sure humans must have some equivalent to Petfinder. Get on there and get yourself a profile. Be sure to include a pick up line (I like, “Hello, you saucy Manx. I wouldn’t mind mating with you between the months of January and August, when your estrus cycle is at its peak.” But you can use anything.) See what tumbleweed blows your way. You have nothing to lose except your dignity. And that can be replaced.


All right. Don't pretend to be meowdest. I know you must have more questions. Let's hear 'em.

Allen, I have never read any of the books that you are in so I guess I want to know why I should start now? Will I not be able to put the books down once I start reading them?

Yvette, honey, imagine the following scenario: You’re a young, handsome, virile cat. Glossy black fur, an engaging patch of white on his chest. White socks on every foot but one. Whiskers that lesser domestic shorthairs would die for. You’re living at the Wood County Humane Society. It’s not an ideal life, but you’re tough enough to handle it.

One day you’re sprung by two men, one who acts like a seven year old who’s pounded a few of the giant pixie sticks and one who literally will not get out of the car until it’s parked right between the lines. You’re neutered, declawed, and forced to endure day in and day out a sign on the wall over your food dish that says “Every dog must have its day but the other 364 belong to cats.”

Human clothes, Yvette. Bonnets. Booties. A line of Burberry-derived products for cats called Purrberry. At one point you are “walked” on a harness and leash—though you put an end to that real fast. You’re discouraged from sleeping on the couch. Denied the table scraps you’re too proud to beg for though your eyes speak of a calm and dignified need. You start thinking one day you’ll write a book about all this: The Litterbox Within: 20 Ways Good Cats Sabotage Ourselves to Please Humans and How We Can Stop.

And then the ultimate injustice occurs. Before you can write your book, publish, make millions, and move upstate, your jailers write and publish their own story. How many times are you mentioned in it, Yvette? You’ve lived with them for a year and a half, have endured their collar bells and baby talk, have rubbed against their legs to earn a bite of tuna, have resisted what remains a potent urge to spray their sofa…How many times do they mention you?

Six times. In 171 pages. Always in passing, a throwaway line, something that makes you sound as though you are incapable of any action more complex than waving a paw.

Why read Wacky Wednesday, Yvette? Read it so that you truly understand the meaning of the word "upstaged." So that you know what it means to be cleaved from the annals of history. Share the injustice with me.

Allen Ginspurr

Dear Mr. Ginspurr,

In this day and age it's hard to find love, no?

Exhibit A (of many exhibits, trust me: I met this pretty brunette last week at the local grad bar and we hit it off (I thought). She let me buy her a drink at least and booked a second date. We hit the dance floor hard, a few more bars. A good late-night smooch.

But (second date) after talking with her for awhile I quickly realized that she wasn't interested in giving me her heart, or taking hold of mine. This isn't the first time I've been a little disheartened about dating.

Am I old? Probably. But is it so much to ask to want more than a night under strobe lights? Or more than the initial groping? I'm not asking to save the damsel from the tower or slay a dragon. I probably can't slay a dragon. I'm probably not fit enough to climb those tower stairs. But really, where's the romance gone to? So I was hoping you could point me in the direction of a good potion maker?

Or a spell caster? I'd like to find a grade a love potion/spell? If I can't find her the regular was I'll cast my way to love!!!

Sweetness and Light,
Cake Diamond Claymore

Cake Diamond,

You sound dangerous. I like it. But this is a question for Hermione Granger, not me.



That's all I got in me right now.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Ginspurr. And thanks once again to all participants.


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