Monday, January 20, 2014

The Thing: It's Blake O' Clock

Tonight on The Thing, you're meeting a MARK COOPER character who's very special to Lisa and me. Blake is a football player and a member of Alpha Delt. He's not, um...not the brightest. But he's a nice guy, even if he does have a tendency to get stuck in bathrooms. Frequently. For Blake, football is life, but when he's assigned to be Mark's big brother at the fraternity, he finds he kind of likes the gig.

Here, Blake is struggling with an English essay he wrote about his trouble with bathrooms.

Hey Alpha Delts,
Coach says I gotta pull my English grade up or I can’t play next semester. Could someone look this essay over for me? Mark, little bro, maybe you could have your genus boyfriend read it and tell me what to fix? Oh, the topic is: “Pick something you would consider yourself an expert in and explain it to someone who’s never done it before.” I was gonna do football, but like 5 people were doing it already so I’m trying to be orginal.

Blake Dawson
EN 103
Professor Studdard
12 November 2013

How to Get Out of a Bathroom if You Are Trapped in One
By Blake Dawson
So you’re stuck in a bathroom? That is never good. Maybe it’s a public bathroom with a weird lock. Maybe it’s a friends house and the door doesn’t work right. Or maybe it’s a porta-john, those are just plain tricky. Luckily there is hope. I have been stuck in a surprisingly lot of bathrooms, so maybe I am just the expert to get you out. Just follow these simple instructions.
  1. Don’t panic. Just like on the field, if you panic, your gonna make mistakes. Take a deep breath. You will get out of this shithole eventually, lol.
  2. Observe your surroundings. If you observe, you are more likely to see a solution. Observation can be done many ways, like with your five senses. The most important are your eyes, because they will help you see how the door works. Also your sense of touch is good, because you may need to break the door down. Depending on whether you have gone number 1 or number 2, you may not want to use your sense of smell too much!!!
  3. Try the door handle. There is a variety on types of door handles. Some different kinds are: knob, lever, and crashbar (Wikipedia 1). See if you can recognize which type of handle you are dealing with. For example, if it is a lever, try pushing it up or down. If it is the kind with the button you push in, that button will pop out if you turn the handle. Maybe you just forgot to unlock the door and that is a simple solution that will help you get out of the bathroom quickly and easely.
  4. Break the door down. This is only for emergencies if you cannot work the handle. It is the fun part, but you will also have to think about safety or you could damage yourself as well as the door. Make sure you use you’re dominant leg and deliver a very powerful sidekick right below the knob. Repeat this until the door busts opens (eHow).
  5. Teamwork. Sometimes life is a team effort. Like if you are in a jam on the field and suddenly one of your teammates is there it is just like if Jesus appeared because it feels like a miracle. But also it is just what teammates are for.  To help you out. This happens in a fraternity too where your brothers all look out for you and have your back. So let’s say you are trapped in the bathroom at a party and one of your brothers is at the party too. If you can signal him, then maybe you can work together to get you out. He pushes on the door and you pull, or depending on how the door works. Teamwork is very important in all areas of life. It is the foundation of this great country. Because without the teamwork of our founding fathers, we would all be playing SOCCER!!! Which according to many sources myself included, is very boring (Dawson).
  6. Sue Whoever Did This to You. This would be rare but if someone locks you in a bathroom on purpose and won’t let you out, I have checked with my law school friend on this and you can sue the person for attempted kidnapping. I would recomend this because holding someone against there will is very serious crime and there would be emotional damage as well because it is very embarrassing trust me to be stuck in a bathroom. People need to learn that even if they are playing a joke it might be emotionally distrustful! Unless it is your fraternity brothers doing it in which case pranks are just a normal part of living with the guys. But if a stranger locks you in a bathroom that’s just not funny.
  7. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Bad things happen to everyone, and maybe you are a smart person but just these things happen. So don’t sweat it, don’t panic, and once you are out, move on with your life. But also remember what you learned because it might help you if you are stuck again someday.
Good luck, and don’t forget to wash your hands!

And here is Blake texting a football pal:

And a small portion of Simon D'Angelo's article on Blake...

Now head on over to Lisa's to meet one scary dude... Alpha Delt pledge trainer Bengal! Could it be the very same Bengal who's fraternity was recently involved in this riot? Tell us about it, Simon...

Keep watching this blog and Lisa's for more of The Thing, from now until January 24. On the 24th, we'll ask you a question based on all the extras we've been posting, and if you answer correctly, you could win a copy of MARK COOPER VERSUS AMERICA!